why won’t you be an asshole like i asked you to?

okay. so sometimes i’m not mentally healthy. stress buildup mostly. and usually i can let off steam by writing melodrama that would make you puke. i keep at least one or two tragedies going at any given time for such a purpose.

and i’m in one of those moods right now – too much everything for my puny self to handle, so i’ve turned back to this sort story i started a while ago. i’ve been looking forward to this one since before school started and now that it’s done it’s time to write some horrible tearjerky thing that will have even me groaning in five years’ time.

but the problem – okay, it’s about a guy who falls in love with this girl, but she’s going out with someone else, and that someone else breaks her heart so she’s really fragile but the first guy, he loves her anyway but he doesn’t know how to show it and he does something incredibly stupid. stupid stupid stupid. unthinking and stupid and tragedy ensues.

but that’s the thing, if he doesn’t do the stupid thing, there’s no plot. and see, i’ve really started to like this guy. he’s a nice guy, if a bit dumb on the relationship end of things, and he really does love her and it’s horrible how they end up and it’s not fair and, well, i don’t want him to do this horrible stupid thing. i like him.

(a quiet part of my brain just chanted, kira’s got a boyfriend, but that’s unfair ’cause that’s a different tragedy altogether.)

anyway, he’s taken on a life of his own, which is okay and all, but i still really need him to do this stupid thing, or I’ve got no climax. No plot. No denouement. (look it up.) Without this, there’s no change in the characters, and believe you me when you see what a stupid thing he does, you’ll know change is necessary. Dammit. I want to yell at him….but something tells me that yelling at the nonexistant people in my head is frowned upon by the sleeping denizens of this household.

Sleep is going to be sketchy tonight. maybe tomorrow i’ll stuff him back in the box.


On miracles and mental breakdowns.

Yeah, so last night at about 11:30, I was working on some code for a little side-project while watching the Phillies game and generally trying to spin down from a crazy day. I got about 2/3 of what I needed done, and I tried to push a new stylesheet up to the system, when suddenly everything choked. Dreamweaver, which is prone to the occasional odd error message, informed me that it couldn’t upload the file in question because, well, the file didn’t exist, or maybe I didn’t have permission to use it.

And, well, that’s bunk, because I’m the ONLY one with permission to use these files, and this particular one had been uploaded mere minutes before. So I logged on to my web host and decided to manually upload the file instead…. only to discover that Dreamweaver wasn’t lying; the directory I was working in was empty. So were most of the others. Most of the pages here woudn’t load, and a good chunk of my other work was just plain gone.

Panic ensued.

I sent a note to the support team, waited a few minutes, and watched as one by one entire directories just poofed. No backup files, no forum, no wordpress… Another panicked note to the support team. This time, a response: they’re aware of it and working on it and it’ll be up within the hour. But that was at 1 AM and I have to be to work early today for a meeting. (yay meeting.)

Did you ever go to bed at night and wonder if everything you’d done was going to be there in the morning? Not a comfy feeling. I think I “get” Neverending Story in a whole new way now.

After a fitful night sleep, I’m back, and so is everything else. The support team was, as always, good to their word. And I am immediately applying what I learned. First, a backup was done. (I do these regularly, but not regularly enough.) And second, I’ve added a link to my Xanga blog in the links section. Strangely, when everything else was disappearing rapidly last night, the homepage was still there, so the links section was still functional. If all else has failed, I’m relatively sure Xanga will still be standing, and since it doesn’t live on the same server as everything else, it’s a decent place to post updates when I can’t post updates. Of course, in case of catastrophe, homepage mileage may vary, so you may want to make note of that one somewhere if you haven’t already.

So anyway, mental breakdown over, and I have to get my butt to work. Here’s hoping the next 24 hours contains fewer heart-attack inducing elements for all of us.

I love the buffer.

I was up until 1:00 this morning working on class stuff. Made a lot of great progress, which is good, because the thing’s due in 8 DAYS. eek.

Dog had me up at 2:30, when she drained her water bowl, begged for more water, drank that, fought me when I tried to send her outside to pee, finally went out, peed like a racehorse (only maybe not so tall) when she finally got out there, came back in, and promptly threw up most of the water on the rug.

To be honest, throughout all this I’d quite forgotten that today was Tuesday and I had a comic to post. For what little (4.5 hours) sleep I got last night I spent most of it dreaming about PHP programming and about work — no pressure there. But since I’d managed to slog together a few half-assed comics (no, not my best work) into a buffer during vacation, I didn’t *have* to worry, and that was a feeling I’d missed.

Goal one when all this is over (in 9 DAYS! eek.) is to rebuild my buffer into at least two months. And hell, if I get that done, maybe I’ll even go to a three-day-a-week schedule. But no promises. There’s no guarantee I’ll make it through the next eight days with these shreds of my sanity in tact.

ps. a quick thank-you to ideaphile Jamie, who sent me some fan art in April when I’d put up a call for it – your art’s finally going to be run a week from now. And believe you me, I’m glad it’s there for me to run!

July 27th cannot come fast enough.

I’m up to my eyeballs in Javascript and PHP and MySQL on only six hours of sleep during my vacation!. Had Hershey’s chocolate and a cherry Coke for breakfast, which have kept the headaches at bay. Need to work on the yard, clean the house, etc. etc. etc. I could use a vacation from my vacation.

I have 15 days until this class – and my degree – are complete. I cannot wait.


It’s 4:50 am and I’ve been coding for class straight through since about 11:00 last night. I got everything I wanted to get working finished, but I still have a ton of work to do, and I have to go dress shopping in about 7 hours. Whee.

On the plus side, I learned a ton of Javascript, mySQL and PHP tonight. And if I didn’t feel like I’d been hit by a truck, I’d probably even feel *good* about that.