the longest nights

I can’t sleep.

Oh, sure, I can hear my grandmother’s voice in the back of my head pointing out that I didn’t even try much, now did I?, but there’s not much point. I can’t sleep.

I suspect that by morning I’ll be fighting a migraine or a cluster headache or whatever the hell it’s called when my head feels like it’s attached to a live wire that carries, not electricity, but pain. I’ve come off a long and wild day at work, to a home where my family treated me like a princess – dinner ready, intelligent stuff to watch on TV, the whole works.

But every single sound I’ve heard all night has been too loud. My husband’s voice was too loud. The television was too loud. I walked the dog and the leaves were too loud. The train running in the valley about a mile from my house echoes up into my yard, and it’s too loud.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so loud if it wasn’t so cold. Despite warm socks, a heated office, and warm clothes and blankets here at home, my feet have been freezing all day.

And everything’s been too close. My work clothes were too close. I changed into the loosest pair of jeans I own and a comfy teeshirt, and it was too close. The dog was too close. My husband was too close. And let me tell you, when I feel crowded by the man who I’d willingly spend my life stapled to, if being stapled to him was required, something is wrong.

But right now my head doesn’t hurt. Right now I don’t feel needles stabbing into my cheeks, and I can’t count my pulse through my left eyebrow. And if somehow I could push the entire universe back by about three feet so I could get some space and just breathe I’d probably be fine.

Nighthawk is upstairs, snoring. Jessiedog is snoring from her bed aside of ours. I’m on the sofa, thinking that these keys are too loud, and so is the server.

The clock is too loud, though strangely its ticking is comforting. I grew up in a house with an old-fashioned chain-driven cuckoo clock – someday I’ll own one of my own – and it always ran in the living room, where I was exiled to the sofa when I couldn’t sleep. When I close my eyes I can feel the cold emanating off of Nana’s mirror behind me, hanging the length of the sofa on the wall. I can see the recliner in the corner with the rainbow-colored crocheted seat covers. The cuckoo clock is in the right corner, between the stairs and the fire place, with its huge slate hearth. The room was usually dark, like this one is now, but i can see the glow of the kitchen lights as they reflect off the dining room table. Nana and my folks liked to sit around the kitchen table and just talk sometimes. On nights like this when I couldn’t sleep, they’d put me on the sofa, and then go into the kitchen and talk about whatever parents talk about.

Eventually, the warmth of Nana’s crocheted afghan and the song of the clock would wrap around my arms and my shoulders and my freezing toes and lull me to sleep, and Dad would carry me upstairs to bed, but until then, I remember curling up in a ball on that sofa and watching the glow of the lights. The murmer of their voices was interrupted every second by the tick-tock-tick, and the occasional jangling of the dog’s collar.

I miss being small.

I can feel my pulse in my temples now.

I can’t sleep.

Using this as a notepad now.

Please excuse the following babble. I had a free lunch hour and wanted to work on my NaNoWriMo. (Or hey, if you have constructive feedback, hit the forum. I’m all ears. But since this takes place about 7000 words into the plot, and nothing of consequence happens, it probably won’t mean much to you.)


“Hey, I don’t criticize your kink.” Julia snapped, just as the music from the DJ came to an abrupt halt. She blushed when she realized that five hundred eyes were staring at her. The DJ launched into the expected “Well, thank you all for coming” speech a moment later, saving her from further embarassment.

“So wait, I want to hear the end of this.” Lynsey said as everyone began to rise from the table.

“Well, Mark and I were going to head back to the hotel,” Kira said, “but the food here was so lousy that I was thinking a run to Carollo’s was in order first.

“Carollo’s Pizza? Are they still open?” Garrett asked. “Wow, they had the best pie in all of Lancaster County!”

“Yeah, they’re still there. In fact, they’re right down the street from me.” Suzanne added. She looked up at Taylor, a question evident in her expression.

He glanced down at her and smiled. “You know, we just bought this fantastic old house right across from the campus. If you guys aren’t in any hurry to get back to the hotel, you’re welcome to come back to our place for a bit. We’ve got a huge living room, a well-stocked liquor cabinet, and a very friendly golden retriever.”

“You know, I’d love to,” Julia said, “but Kyle and I have to get back to the kids before the sitter eats us out of house and home. ”

“Besides, with my allergy to dogs, I’d just be miserable.” Kyle added. “But it was great to see everyone.”

“Good luck finding the source of that invitation, Garrett.” Julia said as she embraced him. “It was good to see you.” They all exchanged hugs and Kyle and Julia left for the evening.

“Well, what about the rest of you?” Suzanne asked.

“I’m in.” Kira said immediately.

“Well, so am I then.” Mark added, smiling.

“I don’t mind tagging along.” Garrett said. “Lynsey, any objections?”

“No. We certainly didn’t have any other plans for the evening. Besides, it will give me more time to see this quaint little town where you grew up.”

Kira snorted. “Oh yeah, quaint. That’s just another word for run-down, you know. It’s ‘quaint’ if you’re not the one who has to live here.”

“Hey!” Taylor jumped in. “We resemble that remark!”

They laughed their way to the coat check, gathered their belongings, and stepped out onto the lawn. Suzanne and Taylor stepped toward the parking lot, then looked back at the others. “I’ve got room for two more in the car, but I’m afraid we won’t all fit.”

“That’s okay,” Garrett said, “I’d rather walk. Just give me directions and we’ll be on our way.”

“But honey, my feet are killing me.” Lynsey said gently.

“Lynsey, do you and Mark mind riding back to Suzanne’s place in her car? Garrett, I can walk with you and show you where Suzanne lives.

Squashing Bandwidth Thieves

I caught my first bandwidth thief today. A nice-looking girl was linking directly to one of my photos in her Xanga blog. (No, it wasn’t anyone I know.) Now, honestly, I don’t mind folks enjoying my stuff, but hotlinking is wrong. My bandwidth bills are for my readers, not hers.

Anyway, I found a great way to protect my images on Preventing Image Bandwidth Theft With .htaccess. So everyone should be able to view my images on my site (or even if you type in the URL directly, I believe) but not by using an <img src=”whatever”> tag.

If you run into any problems, as usual, let me know.

NaDruWriNi

Prior to Saturday evening at approximately 10:06 pm, my NaNoWriMo novel was approximately 6974 words. Right on target for four days, whch meant I needed to write roughly 1667 words Saturday night to stay on pace.

But November 5th was also declared National Drunk Writing Night (NaDruwWriNi) and since I knew of some others who were participating, I thought maybe I’d try my hand at it.

I failed, spectacularly, but not for the reasons that you’d think.

See, my NaNoWriMo is supposed to be a novel that grew out of an idea I’d tested out a few years ago but never finished. And until tonight I was running straight down that very same path. I was getting to the point where hitting my word goal was more important than telling the story, which was resulting in paragraphs like this one:

The room was typical of the older style classrooms that littered Left State University. Heavy ceiling tiles were nailed in place with nails that (along with the tiles) had been painted over so many times they blended into each other. Cinderblock walls painted in institutional yellow had somehow yellowed further (despite the fact that the university hadn’t allowed smoking in classroom in decades) and had begun peeling above the electric baseboard heaters that ran the length of the far wall. Above the heaters the windows reached most of the height of the wall, but the Venetian blinds that covered them were mostly closed, so the indirect afternoon sunlight filtered in, giving the room a ghostly white glow.

And a few paragraphs like the above aren’t necessarily bad, but 6000 words of that crap gets old. Nobody had done anything – I covered about three hours in realtime behavior by my characters in 6000 words. At that rate my 50,000 word goal would cover less than 48 hours of my characters’ lives, and the plot was supposed to span 18 months. Goodbye novella, hello War and Peace.

So tonight, I started drinking, got angry at my story, opened up a new document in my word processor, and decided to write a summary of the plot as told by the characters. The result of that starts something like this:

Chapter X:
or: the chapter in which we stop fucking around and nail down a summary of the plot.

“Tell me about her.” Lynsey asked quietly. “Tell me what happened.”

The rest of the table looked first at Lynsey, then at Garrett, and back.

Gulping for air between the sobs that wracked his body, Garrett cried, “I can’t. I- You’ll hate me. They’ll all hate me.”

“I will,” Kira said quietly. “I know enough to start. I was there. And Suzanne-” she looked over at Suzanne, who was sulking in her chair.

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll hear from me if I have something to say.”

Lynsey looked around the table at the circle of friends. “Thank you,” she whispered.

Mark stood, then tapped Kira on the shoulder. “Vanilla and the Doctor?” he asked. She smiled up at him. Looking around at the table, he said, “This is going to take a while. What’ll you have?”

Garrett waved the offer off, but Lynsey asked for a beer.

“Martini.” Julia requested.

“Scotch. Neat.” Suzanne growled.

Taylor and Kyle both rose from their seats. “Give you a hand,” Kyle said quietly.

“Yeah,” Taylor added. “Can’t leave you to carry all that by yourself.”

As the men walked away, Garrett’s sobs subsided, and he sat with his face buried in his arms on the table. Kira stood, grabbed the intricately decorated and horribly tall centerpiece off the table, and set it on the floor beside her chair.

“Now that we can all see each other,” she said, making eye contact with each of the girls in turn, “the beginning.”

Obviously, this is a totally different writing style, much more loose, faster moving, and effective. And it was further than I’d managed to get the characters in four previous days of writing. Hell, I had the majority of them in the same room, which was well beyond anything I’d accomplished so far.

So why can’t I post the rest of my NaDruWriNi post? Two reasons:

First, I’m not sure I got drunk enough to qualify. Over the course of three hours, I had three Rum & Dr. Pepper’s. (It tasted good. The Coke wasn’t refrigerated. Dont’ judge me.) That’s one shot rum to one can pepper, not very intoxicating.

Second, the snippet above is around 266 words of what I wrote tonight. I wrote 4736 words. That’s just over 15 pages in a standard font. If I post them all here, my homepage is going to be eighteen feet long. Your eyes will bug out. Your scroll wheel will disintegrate. Everyone will be annoyed.

And since the buzz has since well worn off, I’m not interested in annoying people. In fact, right now, I’m interested in going to bed.

At any rate, the point is that I finally broke the dam that was blocking the ideas from coming through, and I think I can see hope on the horizon for the novel. I’m not going to throw out what I’ve already written because I’m sure at some point it’ll come in handy, but if I can reach a point where it’s not needed in order for me to meet the 50,000 word goal, I’m quite happy with that too.

Cheers!